Recently there's been this new craze about people wanting to understand attachment theory in order to understand themselves and their relationships better, I thought it would be cool to do some reading about it.
I know the basic terms, like avoidant, anxious, secure, but I never understood the nitty gritty about it. So it would be nice to know the details.
I looked up online, and apparently the modern "bible" in order to understand adult attachment theory is a book called Attached : The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love
One of the main things this book tries to argue is something about the "dependency paradox", I found that often people try to overly praise independence, and they really try to have everything under their own control, usually it could be out of fear of someone hurting them, or being taken advantage of, or maybe they simply just feel more comfortable that way, but I've always seen that depending on others is seen as a "red flag", but this book emphasizes on the fact that we are "biologically wired" to depend on people, to depend on a partner, and usually those needs are unable to be met due to trauma, or due to other reasons, so there will always be this deep longing of a connection, and it even goes as far to say that once that connection is met with someone, you usually will become even more independent (by depending of someone whenever you need to), and you are more confident overall to go out to the world.
Well, if anyone who is reading doesn't really know about the three types of attachment styles, I will briefly summarize them
1.- Anxious: basically people who are really sensitive to changes, and they usually monitor the relationship for signs of distance, or signs that the relationship changed, or that the love is gone, and when things aren't really active, or things aren't frequent enough, they will usually need reassurance (i think i fit in this category btw lol)
2.- Avoidant: pretty much their priority is independence, maybe due to childhood trauma or something, but intimacy in general, or love, or being dependent on other person is seen as giving up control, so usually they try to be at just the right distance from the partner
3.- Secure: pretty much (nonexistent imo) people who are just naturally comfortable with either closeness, or the distance themselves and dont mind.
And the main attraction is between avoidants and anxious, they attract eachother like magnets.
And well, I've been in avoidant-anxious relationships before, and it comes with challenges, I've had to learn to not overthink, and to just accept an avoidant's way of being, but part of me was always thinking that I was the one in the wrong, for being "dependent", but apparently it's always a dynamic that must be played around with, but it's good, because I don't blame myself as much anymore, apparently by accepting and recognizing you attachment style and working around it, you end up close to being secure attachment style.
It's also a good book because people always talk about how dating an avoidant as an anxious or vice versa is a trap, but this book actually gave me hope that these kind of relationships can work out.
so... there are three rules that are like really important, and pretty much it will increase the likelihood of things going well
the first rule is that as an anxious person, I shouldn't be distant out of spite, or just trying to make my partner try to pick up a hint, or try to make them jealous (I don't really do these, I think they are kinda childish lol). But avoidants also have a responsibility, the second rule says that if they just offer reassurance upfront, and then go distant, usually the anxious person will feel safe, and pretty much wont mind the space nor the quietness. But the third rule is good aswell, it made me aware that a person, being avoidant wont mean a personal rejection of me, and it wont mean anything of that kind, it helps me understand them more and where they are coming from, its always good to learn more things that make you more empathetic
but how does this apply to me, what does this have to do with valentines day? well, I feel like I've never had a proper valentines day in my life, they're always been kinda weird, and kinda different, but I really hope this time is different, my partner couldnt make it on the 14th, but we arranged for a later date so we have a "makeup valentines day", I really treasure my relationship a lot right now, and hopefully I can use my new knowledge to make things better, but as the book also taught me, if things dont work out, it shouldnt affect my attachment style at all, no matter what people need to strive to be secure attachment.
I hope everyone reading this has a good valentines day though, make sure to make each day count 🫶